I'll Never Be Her
by Sophie733
Summary: One Shot! Pansy is friends with Draco, she wants more, but she's not the one he wants. Sometimes things don't work the way you want and friends don't have to be mean to hurt you. Canon Compliant. Pansy One shot.


AN: This is a Pansy oneshot about her relationship with Draco-small scenes that show their interactions and reactions. It is based off of the song "i hate u, i love u" by gnash. I do not own the song or the Harry Potter world.

* * *

I hate you I love you

I hate that I love you

Don't want to, but I can't put

Nobody else above you

* * *

 **Fourth Year - Yule Ball**

"Is that Granger?" Theo asked. Pansy scrutinized the dates of the contestants as they flowed into the Great Hall. The bushy haired know it all wasn't there. The sleek girl on Krum's arm bared little resemblance to her, but it was her.

Blaise whistled and Pansy felt herself scowl. Glancing at her date only raised the temperature of her blood. Draco's eyes had yet to leave Granger, taking in every move.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Pansy spat, "well bred boys panting after some mudblood tart." She turned up her nose, a look that was unattractive on her-or so had been explained in some detail. Still she couldn't watch the scene for another second.

The night did not get better from there. Draco's eyes continually found Granger. They traced over her new found curves and pretty face. Pansy knew she wasn't pretty. 'Not a traditional beauty,' her mother had absentmindedly put it. But she was pureblood, and that was supposed to mean something, damn it.

Dancing with Draco was supposed to be the highlight of her night. On the contrary, he still sought sight of Granger as her twirled Pansy in his arms.

"I'll be interested to know what your parents think of your new interest," Pansy said haughtily when Draco hadn't replied to the last three questions.

"What was that?" he said, turning his attention sharply to her.

"Your new interest," Pansy said, eyes burning into his. "Granger. Not what I thought they wanted for you, but you know them better than I do." The wizard stopped moving and dropped his hands from his date.

"You're such a bitch, Pansy," Draco said coldly before walking away from her. He spent the rest of the night with the other Slytherin wizards. And just as Draco continued to watch Granger, Pansy watched him-fury and hurt pulling at her chest.

* * *

All alone I watch you watch her, like she's the only girl you've ever seen.

* * *

 **End of Fifth Year - Great Hall**

The curiosity in the Great Hall for breakfast was stifling. The students piled their plates high, but only nibbled at it. Dumbledore was back at the high table. Umbridge was carried out of the forest last night. The Inquisition Squad was found unconscious in Umbridge's office. And Potter's gang left Hogwarts grounds. The Daily Prophet being delivered caused screams to erupt around the hall.

"You-Know-Who Returns," yelled from the front page. This wasn't news to Draco, but he dug into the paper anyways. If the idiots in the Government finally caught on then something big must have happened.

Something big had happened. Draco's father was captured, was in Azkaban already. Pansy grabbed his hand as the pale boy went gray. Several of the other members of their house read the news too, glancing at Draco before shifting away slightly. No one wanted to be tainted in the public eyes by association.

Draco stumbled away from the table and left the hall. Pansy rose to follow him when Daphne grabbed her hand.

"Pansy," she said, a small shake of her head communicating that she shouldn't go after the boy. But Pansy just shook her hand off and followed him anyways.

She found him hiding in an alcove, breathing hard. She placed an arm around him. After a moment he leaned into her. The need to make this better for him tugged at her heart and broke it just a little.

"Fucking Potter," Draco finally said. "I'm going to kill the half-blood bastard." Pansy merely shrugged.

"Want help?" she offered. That surprised a laugh out of him, but then he stilled.

"I don't need it for that prat." She nodded and let that dragon lie.

* * *

Friends can break your heart too, and I'm always tired, but never of you.

* * *

 **Sixth Year - November - Seventh Floor Corridor**

"There you are," Pansy said, finding Draco in an empty corridor. "Where have you been all day?"

"None of your business," Draco snapped as he walked past her, not sparing a glance. Dark shadows in circled his eyes. The skin that would normally shine in the dark, had taken on a sickly gray hue. The slim boy felt almost fragile under her hands as she pulled him to a stop.

"Draco," she chastised. She knew things had been bad since his father was imprisoned. Knew it, though he never breathed a word of it.

Draco knew it was wrong chasing his demons away with her touch-not that that had stopped him, not that she had stopped him. She may fancy herself his girlfriend, but he had been clear that he had to focus on his mission. A bit of fun here and there, but it wasn't a relationship, couldn't be. He owed her nothing.

"What?" he bit back. Pansy reared back from the harsh word, then crossed her arms over his chest.

"I was just worried about you," she said stiffly, all emotion having fled from her face. She knew how to protect herself, all the Slytherin did. Knew how to pull back their feelings and put up their walls before someone could hurt you, could break you. "Guess I shouldn't have bothered."

"No, you shouldn't have," Draco shot back.

"Then I won't," she answered and walked away. Draco's hand tugged through his hair. It was probably better this way, he thought. He was already drowning in worry for his parents, he didn't need to worry about Pansy. Didn't need her to worry about him.

Alone in another corridor, Pansy leaned her back against the cold stone wall. With her arms wrapped around her waist, she hugged herself tightly and wondered. Would it get better if the Dark Lord won? Would it be better if he didn't? Would it ever end?

* * *

I can't see the end of this, just wanna feel your kiss, against my lips.

* * *

 **Seventh Year - After Battle of Hogwarts - Slytherin Dungeons**

Pansy sat alone, the common room empty. Once the battle was over, most had fled to find their families. She knew her family wasn't out on the grounds and that they wouldn't be missing her.

The year had been simply putting one foot in front of the other, merely surviving. She was still the villain of the story, she knew that. Longbottom's gang of misfits made sure she was aware. She was even vaguely aware that her suggestion to hand Potter over to the Dark Lord would probably not be easily forgotten.

Still at the moment, she just pulled her jumper closer, thought abandoning her. Cold. Empty. Hallow. It had be a hellish year and now that was all she felt.

* * *

Still got blood on my sweaters, from nights we don't wanna remember.

* * *

 **Six Month Post Battle of Hogwarts - Pansy's Flat**

Draco was half-drunk when he knocked on Pansy's door. Pansy let him in without a word. He ambled across the expensively decorated parlor to her liquor cabinet.

"Last night of freedom," Draco said, raising his glass. Pansy rolled her eyes and poured her own.

"Don't be so dramatic," she said and sipped her drink.

"Dramatic?" Draco slurred. "I don't care in the least." He swallowed the rest of his drink and turned back to get another.

"I think you've had enough," Pansy snorted, directing him away from the alcohol. She pushed him over to a sofa. The entire room was owl-ordered. Most places wouldn't serve her in their shops, but her gold was just as good if the public didn't see her.

As he toppled onto the sofa, he reached out and grabbed her. Pansy fell into his lap with an umph.

"Draco," she chastised with a laugh.

"What? Are you going to deny me this last night?" And then he kissed her. He tasted of firewhiskey and memories. It was easy to forget themselves like this-to forget the war ever happened, to forget they were members of the hated losing side. Pansy never raised her wand in battle or joined up, but was just tainted by her words.

Draco on the other hand had been waiting for trial. Given that he was one of the least violent, his was held off. He was even allowed out, with a magic inhibitor.

They fell into each other with reckless familiarity. Giving him this night might break her, but Pansy couldn't deny him, not ever.

Pansy came to the next morning to see Draco getting dressed. He looked every inch the pureblood prince he was. Pansy propped herself up on one elbow.

"It'll be fine," she told him.

"I know," he said. She didn't call him out on his lie, merely stood from the bed and walked to the loo.

"I'm off," Draco called.

"I'll be there," Pansy replied. The wizard nodded sharply, but gave no other reply.

Pansy sat in the back of the courtroom, the hood on her robes up so as not to be easily identified. Draco sat straight in the chair, his back arching from it. His shoulder drooped almost imperceptibly when they read the verdict.

Not guilty due to being underaged and under duress.

Pansy's chest tightened. She was happy for him, Azkaban would have killed him. But she also knew she was losing him. He'd be vindicated in a way that she would never be.

That night she raised a drink alone in her flat. Draco was free. That was a good thing. And well everything else, she would try not to think about it too much.

* * *

Lie to me, lie with me, get your fix. Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all mixed.

* * *

 **One Year Post Battle of Hogwarts - Diagon Alley**

Pansy had occasionally seen Draco since his trial. The wizard had stopped hiding out once he was found not guilty. Pansy still stuck to the shadows of a society that hated her. Draco dealt with it better, she reasoned.

Still almost a year after the big battle, Pansy rarely went into Diagon Alley if she could help it. At the moment, Pansy was wishing that this wasn't one of the days she slipped in for a couple of items.

At a table outside Florentine's Ice Cream, sat Draco and Astoria Greengrass. She smiled at something he said and Draco's eyes lighted in return.

When did that happen, Pansy wondered. When had she last talked to Draco? It was about six weeks ago when he had invited her out to lunch. She had declined, said she had other plans. Draco had rolled her eyes and told her she really needed to get out more. Told her it wasn't so bad anymore.

Sure, it wasn't, Pansy had scoffed internally. For Draco it wasn't. He was now considered another victim of dark lord. She was not.

He hadn't called on her since and she couldn't really blame him. According to etiquette, the next contact was hers to make.

And now there he was, smirking at the younger Greengrass and looking actually happy.

Pansy turned away. Good for him, she thought and tried not to pay attention to the way her chest ached.

* * *

I watch you with her. She's the only thing you'll ever see.

* * *

 **Six Months Later, Pansy's Flat**

Pansy was getting antsy. She hated going out. She hated staying in. Energy buzzed through her system. She'd buried herself in luxury. She'd taken up useless hobbies. She'd gone over the textbooks from school. But none of it helped. She missed real contact with other magicals.

An owl tapped at the window. Pansy let the creature in and took the letter. Heavy parchment met her fingers. She broke the Malfoy wax seal and looked at the invitation.

Not quite sure how Pansy found herself on the couch, she still stared at the wedding invitation. Draco Malfoy. Astoria Greengrass.

The breath caught in her chest. He was getting married. Draco and Pansy hadn't done much more than exchange owls over the last six months. But why hadn't he told her.

Pansy snorted. This probably was Draco telling her.

The choked sob surprised her as it broke free. Merlin, this hurt. She grabbed a vase that was far too expensive and chucked it at the wall. A bowl full of glass daisies floating in mid air that had taken Pansy almost two week to learn to make, also shattered against the wall. Everything that met her hand was destroyed.

She loved him, but it didn't matter, not anymore. Draco was going off to live his perfect little life and Pansy was left alone.

"Fuck," she screamed, bending over with the force of the sound and pain. Then she stood up and batted the hair out of her eyes. She swished her wand, sending the destroyed items back to their places whole and walked to her bathroom.

Banishing the hurt in her heart to the back of her mind, she sunk into a large bathtub full of sweet smelling water.

* * *

Wedding bells were just alarms. When love and trust are gone, I guess this is moving on.

* * *

 **Draco's Wedding Day, Pansy's Flat**

Today was the day.

Etiquette dictated Draco invite Pansy to the wedding. It would be seen as a horrible slight if he didn't, one that would show badly on the Malfoy name for many years. He probably would have invited her anyways.

Etiquette also dictated that Pansy go. It didn't matter that no one would talk to her. It didn't matter that it would be a long, excruciating event for her. She was expected. She knew that. The pureblood protocol was etched into her mind.

Pansy wrapped a traveling coat around her and grabbed her bag. In her left hand she held a piece a parchment and waited for the portkey to activate. Five. Four. Three. Two…

An invisible hook grabbed at Pansy's core and yanked her around and around. Finally her feet met the ground. She took a steadying breath before opening her eyes.

A beautiful beach stood in front of her with clear blue water lapping at the sand. There were houses carved out of the hills in rich browns. Greece was breathtaking.

Pansy had survived growing up in pureblood society. She had survived the war. She had survived society's condemnation of her. Now it was time to break from that all, and actually live.

Back in Britain, Draco's wedding started.

* * *

Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance.

* * *

I hate you I love you

I hate that I want you

You want her, you need her

And I'll never be her


End file.
